Month: May 2019

TL;DR:

Problem: You are constantly late for everything.

Solution: Include a time buffer in everything, which I call “The Explosive Diarrhea Buffer.”

Full Story:

Let’s say you have to drive from Charlotte, NC to Raleigh, NC.  You are due to where ever you are going at 6pm.  You know that it takes about 3.5 – 4 hours to make the drive, assuming you don’t speed  and construction is minimal. What time should you leave?  Would 2pm sound like a reasonable answer given all the info?  It’s probably a safe bet for an ADHD person to answer around 2pm.

Now…let’s say all the other information is the same, however, you woke up with crippling, explosive diarrhea.  You must find a bathroom every 15 minutes, and you start to wonder how many stops this road trip will now require.  If you have to find a rest stop every 15 minutes, now how long will that drive take? Now what time would you leave?  12pm?  11am?  Either of those should give you plenty of pit-stop time, depending on the severity of your stomach distress and bathroom spacing along your route.  For extra credit, imagine instead you are traveling with your recently toilet-trained 3 year old nephew.  How many pit-stops do you need now?

Consider it “Time Insurance.”  You have car insurance (assuming you own a car). You probably have health insurance of some sort.  You might even (and should, if you don’t) have life insurance.  Yet those are all to cover hopefully rare events.  While crippling, explosive diarrhea is (also hopefully) a rare event, it’s actually way  more probable than dying outright or getting in a car wreck.  Not purchasing Time Insurance for something more probable than death seems silly.

“But that’s a waste of time,” you might respond.  “I’ll not have to stop 18 times, and I’ll end up in Raleigh 2 hours earlier than necessary.”  That’s OK. Raleigh isn’t closed.  You can find a Starbucks, or even a parking lot somewhere to plant yourself with your smart phone, the Kindle App, or Audible, or bring a real book, Duolingo, Sudoku, puzzles, whatever.   That’s not wasted time if you always keep book or some other opportunity for learning with you. Or God-Forbid, talk to your friends or family that came along with you. Building relationships isn’t wasted time, either.  Further, you don’t consider the car insurance premiums you pay out all year long to be wasted, yet you haven’t gotten into a wreck in 20 years.  Time and money are both resources.  You can’t eagerly exchange money for protection, but not be willing to see the value of exchanging time for protection.

So, apply this to anything that is time bound.  Essay due in three weeks?  What if you get the stomach flu at the beginning of the third week?  Plan accordingly and put a buffer in your schedule, starting now.  When you are scheduled to study, and you think, “Man, I don’t feel like studying. This paper isn’t due for another three weeks, anyway! Netflix sounds really good right now…” Recognize you are in the midst of a micro-choice.  At that VERY moment, picture a week of explosive diarrhea keeping you away from the keyboard (cause please don’t be the guy that brings his laptop into the bathroom…).  Picture having to tell the professor, “I had a week of explosive diarrhea, can I have an extension?”  Then do the hard thing, not the easy thing. Work on the paper.

Now, could I have substituted “Flat tire” for explosive diarrhea as an example of an unexpected disaster setting you back on your schedule? Sure.  There are two reasons I didn’t.  The first is that a flat time is a big, single-time setback.  It might delay your road trip 2 hours, but it’s all at once.  It doesn’t progressively eat away at your schedule like a thousand potty breaks.  That’s real life. Real life eats away at your goals in tiny little increments.  Second, explosive diarrhea is memorable.  It is vivid, both hilarious and cringe-worthy, and it affects everything from driving, to essays, to cleaning the garage, to you-name-it.  A flat tire interferes only with anything relating to driving.  It sticks out in your memory, it’s relatable, and it applies to many more real-life scenarios.  Now that explosive diarrhea is seared into your memory, you will allocated time insurance for all your tasks, and when facing the micro-choice to do or not do the task, you will be able to easily recall this to motivate you to do the thing you are avoiding.  You’re welcome, AND I’m sorry.

TL;DR:

Problem:

Driving, I’d have ideas and then forget them by the time I got home. I don’t want to pick up my phone to put stuff in the notes app, and I refuse to enable Alexa or Siri.  

(Also: I’d forget where I was going on my errand routes.  I’d miss turns, or completely forget to go to stores or people’s houses.)

Solution: 

Install a small dry-erase board in your car, and keep dry erase pens with eraser caps attached to it.

Full story:

A major ADHD source of problems for me was any time I was in the car.  This manifested itself in a couple of ways.

• I would forget the destination, or destinations, I intended for the trip. I spent a lot of time “backtracking” because I forgot to stop here or there for this or that errand.  For some reason, backtracking is a major issue for me. I despise it to a really unhealthy level.  The scorn I’d heap on myself for being inefficient was breathtakingly harsh (I’d never say such things to another human being).  It makes sense in the context of time being so valuable, I guess. Still uncalled for. Of course there were many times I completely forgot where I was going and would have to pull over until I remembered.
• I’d see something that triggered a “Oh I need to remember to…” thought, which would quickly leave and be forgotten until the next time I drove past whatever it was that reminded me in the first place.  I’d once again think “Oh I REALLY need to remember to…” Then, of course, promptly forget again until the next time I drove by.  It was a vicious cycle.

Once I was aware of this pattern, I was able to try to work around it.  But the first solution I tried was horrible. I’d repeat things over and over until I got home, or park, and then would type furiously into my phone. I’d repeat the next location over and over until I reached that location, then I’d start repeating the next location until I got there. This worked poorly if another idea came up that I needed to remember or if other people were in the car with me and dared to try to talk to me. If I was repeating my next stop over and over, and I passed something that reminded me of something I needed to add to my to-do list, I was totally screwed.  Should I repeat the next destination? Or the reminder?  What was I doing? Where am I going?  Shit. I just missed my exit.

I also tried taking notes on my phone, but dangerous…so that didn’t last long. I tried voice memos on my phone, but since I have Siri disabled, as well as most things that would use the microphone (security concerns), I had to log into my phone (I don’t use the finger print scan), open the voice memo app, then start recording.  I might as well down some tequila before getting into the car if I’m going to do all that.

Then I tried writing down everything in notepad.  Several problems arose with this.  First, it would get pushed to the back seat when my son rode shotgun.  Second, it would end up on the floor, then I’d have a thought I wanted to capture, and I’m suddenly stretching trying to reach the backseat floor…and drive.  Tequila, anyone?  Third, I was going through a lot of paper, and constantly buying new pads.  I’d take the notepad into my office or house, then forget to return it to the car.

What I need, I thought…is a dry erase board for the car.  As I mulled this over, I really felt like it needed to be very visible. Dash-mounted would be great.  But not huge…I’ll need to see out the windshield.  But how to attach it?  

Through a series of amazing coincidents, I actually ran into two people who gave me the answer.  The first had a magnetic phone mount that attached to their car air vents.  The other was buying a locker sized magnetic dry erase board for their high-schooler.

And this solution was born:

There are two magnetic air vent phone mounts, and the magnetic locker-sized dry erase board sits right on top.  It’s removable, obviously.  Half the board lists my “Trip Plan” the other “Notes.”  When I get in the car, still in my driveway, I write down all the locations I need to drive to, in the correct order.  When I leave each location, I cross them off my list, so I know where I am to go next.  If thoughts come up during the drive, I repeat them to myself until the next stop light, and jot them down (or have a passenger in the car write down what I need captured).

Later, I came to learn that the previous attempts to solve this issue (repeating things over and over) was actually incredibly harmful.  When I write the post on reducing decisions, it’ll all become clear.  Stay tuned!

TL;DR:

Problem: You are a free spirit, and the thought of routines gives you hives; but you are simultaneously a disaster in most areas of your life, and chaos is your middle name.

Solution: Suck it up and REALLY REALLY REALLY TRY routines (with checklists!)!!!

Full Story:

I constantly mocked an old boyfriend who was so rigid in his routines that he refused to bend them even slightly.  My husband actually is a pretty big creature of habit, as well.  I have to say, I spent many a day frustrated because he had to do something, and we couldn’t leave until it was done.

For my entire life, no two days were the same.  I couldn’t ever be on the birth control pill because I could barely remember to brush my teeth consistently, let alone remember something so important.  So, of course, the first 44 years of my life were chaotic.  Actually, chaotic is probably an understatement.  I thought it was because I was a “free spirit” and I needed less structure because “that’s just how I work best.”  The truth is probably closer to: “I thought people who stuck to routines were rigid and boring.”  

My husband probably has helped me see the benefit of doing the same general routine consistently as a good thing.  Over the years I’ve read many (MANY) books and articles on organization, taming clutter, getting your shit together, or whatever you want to call it.  I will (at some point) review some of those books here, as several address ADHD specifically.  

So what finally clicked?  Nothing.  There wasn’t one thing.  It was like a slow boil, coming to the realization that I actually NEED structure to even come close to my potential.   I had to-do lists (oh BOY did I have to-do lists!!!) for many many years.  I tried Franklin-Covey Planners, FLYLady binders, several to-do apps for Iphone and Ipad…nothing really stuck.  I read lots of books, especially in the last year or two, on habit stacking, systems, compound effect, checklists, etc.  It was more the combination of picking various things from this or that book, this or that webinar, this or that blog article…that I started to build 9and come to understand/love) routines.  At no point did I say, “Today I’m going to build and work my routine,” or “You know, this is the day I might implement one of those systems things!”  It just progressed organically over several months of observing, trying, and tweaking.   And as it did, the love grew.

That’s not to say some sources of information weren’t more helpful than others.  Early on, one of my colleagues in France took an entire hour to show me how he uses Microsoft OneNote to track everything from to-do lists, to meetings, to communication, to project details (which I still rely on a great deal).  There was a PluralSight course that was incredibly helpful in the beginning (Time Management for Technical Professionals by Doru Catana).  An article (long since lost) specifically on checklists was incredibly enlightening.

Many times I didn’t believe any of those interventions would work (this is a common theme in my life, btw).  Instead I would approach it as “Let’s see what happens.”  It was all a grand experiment!  I certainly  couldn’t do any worse than I currently was in failing to reach my potential!  Some ideas I actively resisted, including routines.  This was something I didn’t want to actually work.  But, unfortunately routines really do work.  

For me, forgetting to do minuscule things triggered incredible feelings of shame.  This is hard to write, but I’ve learned since that this is common for ADHD people.  A good example is if I got to the car and realized I had left the driveway lights on, I’d instantly slide into a place of shame.  “I’m so fucking stupid I can’t even manage to remember to turn off the driveway lights! How freakin’ hard is it to remember? Every other person on this street can manage to remember, except me.  What the hell is wrong with me?”  All of that would race through my mind in the split second when I registered that the driveway lights were on, and debated going back into the house to turn them off or let them burn all day while I would be at work.  What routines have given me is really what they have taken away: a lot of self-abuse.  Now, I leave the house every morning and the driveway lights are off, because they are a checklist item on my morning routine.  I don’t get out of the shower without washing my hair anymore because it’s a checklist item on my glass shower wall (in dry erase marker).  Where I had to bring deodorant, toothpaste, and a toothbrush to work because I’d get to work only to realize I’d skipped any or all of those while getting ready in the morning, I’ve not had to use any of them now that I have routines.

Another thing to note is that my routines evolve and change all the time.  I usually give myself a week or two trying a specific routine version before tweaking it.  Also, accepting that sometimes the answer is that you just need to allocate more time for something is incredibly important.  For almost 8 months, I left the house every morning frazzled, beating myself up, and having to skip major parts of my morning routine.  “Why can’t I get this all done in 1 hour!?!?!?” I would wail as I peeled out of the driveway, late again.  One day it finally dawned on me: “Maybe I just need more time?”  Obvious, of course, but the obvious answer isn’t always accessible to the ADHD brain.  Instead of thinking of myself as “WRONG” or “BAD” because I couldn’t make everything I needed to do fit into an arbitrary time range…I decided to accept that my “process” required two full hours.  This was a lightbulb moment for me.  Accepting that this is who I am right now in my life, and maybe it’ll change at some point, maybe it won’t, was HUGE.

TL;DR:

Problem: Noise is a huge distraction in your ability to focus and impedes your ability to finish (or start) work.

Solution: Invest in really good ACTIVE noise-cancelling over-the-ear headphones.

Full Story:

I wish I could recall the exact sequence of events that led to the wonderful discovery of the power of noise-cancelling headphones, but alas, the details escape me.  It was something along the lines of this:

I kept complaining about how my coworker’s voice was so loud at work, that his voice carried through the wall of his office into my office, and distracted me all day long.  It had gotten so bad, and so annoying, that when he took a call, I’d leave my office and go to the break room, which was really equally distracting with people coming in for coffee continuously.  

During my reading on ADHD hacks, a mention of noise-cancelling headphones for children’s accommodations at school came up.  I mentioned this to hubby.

Hubby got tired of me complaining, about the office neighbor, and during a sale on Woot.com, ordered me a pair of over-the-ear active noise-cancelling bluetooth headphones (~$70.00).  He then helped me find really good instrumental music (lyrics are distracting), with a high tempo that keeps my dopamine pumping (we went with something called Indian PsyTrance).

When I tell you this small step was life changing, it is such a huge understatement.  This was a GAME-CHANGER in my life.  Coupled with shutting down email, setting phone and Skype to “do not disturb,” and several other steps which have become my “pre-game routine” for focusing, I have been able to break through my crippling inability to finish (and start) anything.  

I loved them so much, and the results were so instantaneous, hubby bought me a second pair to keep at home for my college work.  As a tangible measure of the difference: Prior to the headphones, I used to have to take a one-month extension every semester for at least one, usually both, classes.  With the semester he gave them to me, I started finishing on time, and made the Dean’s list every semester.  Had I had something like this during my formative school years…I’d have been unstoppable.  Can someone invent a time machine, please?

If you are the parent of a child gifted with ADHD, noise-cancelling headphones should be the “first” next thing you try with your student.  They can be written into their IEPs, and even added as an accommodation for testing (though you might not be able to have them use the Bluetooth with music….you should investigate that before you actually invest in a pair of headphones).